Scary Mommy's Guide to Surviving the Holidays Read online

  25. Do some breathing exercises. It will all be over soon, and the kids love the holidays so much. It’s totally worth it. Think of the memories.

  45

  GET-YOUR-BUZZ-ON KAHLUA DIP

  by Jill Smokler

  One of the best things my husband ever gave me was this recipe for Kahlua dip. (Yeah, yeah, after the kids. I guess.) It’s simple and horribly unhealthy and you can grab everything you need at your local gas station market. But? It’s amazing . . .

  4 giant Hershey’s milk chocolate bars

  2 tubs Cool Whip

  Kahlua

  Put four giant Hershey’s milk chocolate bars into food processor (or hand-grate if you have two hours and knuckles to spare).

  Combine 2 tubs of Cool Whip into serving bowl and mix in the chocolate.

  Add ¾ cup of Kahlua, adding more to taste.

  His family served it with Pirouette cookies, and that’s all well and good, but I prefer it straight-up, mousse style.

  It’s best refrigerated overnight before serving. Plus, if you eat enough of it, you can get a nice little buzz and forget how exactly much saturated fat you just consumed.

  Perfect.

  46

  THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR . . . NOT

  by Allison Slater Tate

  It’s December 22, and I am over it. All of it.

  I know how I am supposed to be feeling: jingle bells, peace love joy, white lights, and warm fuzzies. I’m supposed to be counting my blessings instead of sheep and humming tunes about roasted chestnuts and getting excited about my annual chance to play Santa. I’m supposed to be cuddling on the couch with my kids, watching Christmas movies and eating candy canes and whatnot.

  But I’m not.

  It’s Sunday night, and my kids have been out of school since Thursday. I’m having a panic attack because it’s just about the end of the road for Amazon orders that can arrive before Christmas.

  A strand of lights already burned out on my tree, and I am negotiating with myself over whether or not to replace them. I’m sick to my stomach from Christmas treats. I’m haunted by the nagging feeling that I have forgotten something or someone, and I am 110 percent certain that I will not remember where all the gifts left to wrap are hidden on Christmas Eve.

  Most of all, though, I am over my children. They have trampled my Christmas spirit like reindeer on a grandma. Between surly tweens and stubborn little people, I am all tapped out of ho-ho-hos.

  “Do we have to listen to Christmas music, really?”

  “Can we go home now? I don’t want to look at Christmas lights.”

  “A cookie exchange?! Mom, I’m eleven. I don’t go to cookie exchanges.”

  “Are you seriously going to make me wear a shirt with a collar on it?!”

  Something about working 24/7 to engineer a magical holiday for them makes their obvious lack of appropriate gratitude and cooperation glaringly more obnoxious than usual.

  Here’s the truth: by Tuesday night, we’ll be on track. The Christmas Train will have left the station, and everyone will cooperate: my kids won’t call each other losers and fight over every ridiculous thing. They’ll wear what I ask them to for dinner. They’ll be so excited, I won’t be able to help being excited too. We’ll leave out cookies for Santa and carrots for his reindeer, and they’ll go to bed on time and stay there. I’ll wrap presents with my husband while watching Love Actually and It’s a Wonderful Life, and I’ll cry because love is actually all around (also, Colin Firth) and because George Bailey really is the richest man in town. I’ll go to bed exhausted and be awakened before dawn by giddy children, and I’ll watch them tear into brightly colored tissue paper and hug baby dolls and new laptops, and it won’t matter at all if I replaced that strand of lights or not. My kids will be grateful and they will hug me and then I will collapse in front of the A Christmas Story marathon on TBS like I do every year and hope the kids don’t tear the house down while I am in my post–Christmas-morning coma. It will be wonderful, messy, and perfect in its own way.

  But tonight? Tonight, I mentally returned every present I bought my children. I threatened to call Santa and cancel Christmas (for the third time this week). I used my foot to push the writhing, whining six-year-old back into the bedroom he shares with his older brother, and I closed the door, telling him I was done and he was to go to bed already. I ignored the tweens’ protests when I sent them to bed early, hoping they might sleep and be nicer tomorrow. Merry effing Christmas, I thought. And then I cried actual tears, wondering how I will get up in the morning and do it all again tomorrow. I really do love Christmas and I really do love my children, but sometimes I don’t know if I will survive until December 25.

  So just in case the holidays aren’t going so magically at your house tonight, either, I want you to know you are not alone. And as always, now I feel guilty, and I am swearing I will try to do better tomorrow and keep my patience more—to, you know, enjoy the magic and the wonder of the season. Or something like that.

  Merry effing Christmas, fellow moms. Hang in there.

  47

  TEN SIGNS YOU’VE MADE IT TO THE END OF WINTER BREAK

  by Vicky Willenberg

  1. The kitchen cabinets are completely devoid of every cup, bowl, plate, and utensil because your children are incapable of using anything twice.

  2. You have no memory of your living room floor because you haven’t seen it in weeks due to the thick layer of LEGOs, Rainbow Loom bands, and fort remains.

  3. Your body resembles that of a woolly mammoth because the idea of going to a waxing appointment with your children brings to mind future dinner conversations about the benefits of vajazzling and corresponding hours of therapy.

  4. You’ve grown so tired of preparing meals and snacks that you say yes to chips at ten in the morning, an apple-flavored lollipop seems like a sensible fruit choice, and you realize all your daily errands are “accidentally” completed near a restaurant or the snack bar in Target.

  5. It occurs to you that you have done no laundry for two weeks because your children spent 90 percent of winter break in their underwear.

  6. While your kids watch enough television to impact the national television-watching average, you are “working” at your computer, researching sleep-away summer camps.

  7. You miss the one-sided conversations you used to have with the dog. His lack of back talk, incessant follow-up questions, and arguing make him a wonderful conversationalist.

  8. Suddenly you find yourself driving by the kids’ school, having no memory of intentionally heading there.

  9. In order to skip the bring-a-jacket/sweater/boots/mittens fight, you find it easier to simply avoid leaving the house for days on end . . . except to go to Target during dinnertime.

  10. You’ve unfriended at least half of your Facebook friends because you cannot take another “day in the snow” or “crafting with Grandma” picture filled with smiles and perfect candy cane reindeer. And after staring at their smiling-faced holiday cards you’ve also decided your family will be doing a “Keeping it Real During the Holidays” theme next year. Images of your children lying on the floor in their underwear in gingerbread-house-binge-induced comas, surrounded by you and your spouse, covered in glitter and tearing the limbs off an Elf on a Shelf float through your brain.

  While your home might look like a battlefield and smell like a frat house and your personal hygiene is questionable, you can take comfort in knowing there are no more major holidays—until Easter.

  CONTRIBUTOR BIOS

  KIM BONGIORNO (How to Buy a Christmas Tree with a Preschooler and a Kindergartener) is an author, freelance writer, and the award-winning blogger behind Let Me Start by Saying. Her essays have been published in multiple bestselling humor anthologies, her book Part of My World: Short Stories has a solid five-star rating, she has written a YA novel, and she mana
ges to do all this while writing regularly for a variety of websites, including NickMom, the Huffington Post, LifetimeMoms, Mamalode, and others.

  CHRISTINE BURKE (The Great Frozen Turkey Incident of 2006) is a coauthor in the recently released anthology “I Just Want to Be Alone” and blogs about her Hubby and two Fruit Loops on the blog The Keeper of the Fruit Loops. Find her on Twitter @FruitLoopKeeper or on Facebook at Keeper-of-the-Fruit-Loops.

  ABBY BYRD (Punch-Your-Husband-in-the-Face-If-He-Asks-for-Stove-Top-One-More-Time Stuffing) writes humor, satire, and cultural criticism. She is in disbelief that she has yet to receive any financial compensation for being so clever and hilarious. Follow her on Twitter @AbbyBWriter and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.

  ANDREA CONDODEMETRAKY (Six Reasons the Kids’ Table Is the Best Seat in the House) is one of the leading experts in the field of Domestic Engineering. She currently lives with her husband, three sons, and three cats in the Lakes Region of New Hampshire, where her days are filled with giggles, Legos, and an endless supply of Greek food. She is also a contributor to the bestselling humor anthologies I Just Want to Pee Alone and You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth. Find her at underachievingdomesticgoddess.blogspot.com.

  SARAH COTTRELL (Ten People in the Grocery Store the Morning of Thanksgiving) lives in Maine with her boat-builder husband and two loud children. She writes a parenting blog for the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Scary Mommy. Follow her on Twitter @housewife_plus.

  JANIE EMAUS (Because They Are Family) believes when the world is falling apart, we’re just one laugh away from putting it back together again. She is the author of the time-travel romance Before the After, and the young adult novel Mercury in Retro Love. She has been published in many anthologies, including You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth. She was proud to be named a 2013 BlogHer Voice of the Year. But no award (well, maybe the Pulitzer) ranks higher than her family. To learn more about Janie, visit her website www.JanieEmaus.com.

  VICTORIA FEDDEN (Christmas in the Age of Social Media) has a passion for finding the magic in everyday life and believes her life’s purpose is to use her words and her experiences to bring hope and to let people know that, yeah, we’re all pretty crazy, and you know what? We’re going to be okay in spite of it. Victoria is the author of the humorous memoirs Amateur Night at the Bubblegum Kittikat and Sun Shower: Magic, Forgiveness and How I Learned to Bloom Where I Was Planted. She blogs at widelawns.blogspot.com.

  NANCY FRIEDMAN (Why Does Santa Claus Hate Us?) is the queen bee and cofounder of KidzVuz.com, a video review and sharing website for kids ages seven to twelve. Her essays have been syndicated online in the Miami Herald, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and the Sacramento Bee, as well as in numerous magazines and anthologies. Her humor blog, FromHiptoHousewife.com, is where she writes about momming, aging, and her twenty-year quest to lose the same ten pounds.

  ANNA GEBERT (Cheese & Some Mac) earned her MBA and bought a sporty hatchback a month before finding out she was pregnant. Now she works full-time from home and thinks it’s hilarious everytime someone thinks she could keep her toddler at home and still get work done (they’re usually not parents). Follow her on Twitter @avgebert for kid-related and other marginally humorous life musings.

  DEBORAH GOLDSTEIN (Hanukkah Wins) publishes VillageQ.com, a community website that entertains, informs, and connects LGBTQ families. She is also the coproducer of Listen to Your Mother North Jersey, a national spoken-word event celebrating motherhood. Deborah publishes a medley of miscellany on her blog Peaches & Coconuts, where you can learn more about her not-so-private life in the very western neighborhood of New York City, otherwise known as New Jersey.

  ALICE GOMSTYN (The Pros and Cons of Having a Baby Right Before Thanksgiving) is a journalist, blogger, and mildly inappropriate mommy to two spirited little boys. Follow her as Mildly Inappropriate Mommy on Facebook.

  SHARON GREEN (Seasonal Cocktails for Moms) is a mom, wife, teacher, and burrito enthusiast living in Baltimore, Maryland.

  JESSICA GRIFFIN (Show-Stealing Molasses Cookies) is a wannabe urban homesteader, living in Portland with her blended family of four kids, three rescue dogs, and four chickens named after Starbucks drinks. Described by her doctor as a “Feminist Jedi Master,” Jessica writes for Blunt Moms and The Epistolarians. She can be found spreading “peace” and “wisdom” over at her blog, The Dalai Mama, at travelingmercies-jessica.blogspot.com.

  MARIA GUIDO (Our Parents Didn’t Give a Shit About the Santa Lie, and We Shouldn’t, Either) calls Brooklyn, New York, home—even though she doesn’t live there anymore. She makes parents everywhere feel better about themselves via her blog, Guerilla Mom, and is the associate editor of Mommyish. She’s currently working on her first book, which promises to answer none of your questions about parenting. Follow her on Twitter @mariaguido.

  TONI HAMMER (The Do’s and Don’ts of Christmas with Kids) never planned on having kids, but she’s now a stay-at-home unplanned parent of a girl and a boy born 355 days apart. She chronicles her mommy misadventures at ToniHammer.com. When her children are finally asleep, she works on her first book, Is It Bedtime Yet? Stories from a Mom Who Never Wanted the Job.

  NATALIE HOAGE (Claim-to-Fame Upside-Down Pumpkin Cake) is a wife, mom of a six-year-old son and four-year-old twin girls, wannabe foodie, lover of wine and of all things social media. She blogs at Mommy of a Monster and Twins, and also works as a freelance writer and social media manager. You can find her tweeting as @NatalieHoage, Facebooking on her page, and pinning more recipes than she can ever possibly try.

  HARMONY HOBBS (Stop Cussing, It’s Fucking Christmas!) loves God and sturdy undergarments. She is a drinker, a thinker, and a fan of simplicity. Her thoughts, best described as honesty and insanity in one fell swoop, can be found on her blog, Modern Mommy Madness.

  AMY HUNTER (Preparing to Host Thanksgiving Dinner . . . with Children) is a Florida-living, butt-wiping, soccer team-carting, gourmet chef-attempting, tennis skirt-wearing, non-tennis-playing, self-proclaimed bad mamma jamma to three sons and a very understanding husband. Find her at TheOutnumberedMother.com.

  JULIE LAY (Suck It, Santa) makes up nonsense at ilikebeerandbabies.com. Topics include the time her daughter found her lube, how to cure a raging case of postpartum hemorrhoids, and the best position to fart in. Seriously.

  KATHRYN LEEHANE AKA KELLY “FOXY” FOX (The Dysfunctional Family Drinking Game) is a mom and a writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and two children. She writes the humor blog Foxy Wine Pocket, where she shares twisted stories about her life as a mother, wife, friend, and wine drinker in suburbia. Irreverent, inappropriate, and just plain silly, Kathryn strives to make you spit out your drink with every post. Find her on Facebook and Twitter @foxywinepocket.

  JENNIFER LIZZA (Christmas Morning Sanity-Saving French Toast) thought being a stay-at-home mom would be a walk in the park. Now that she’s doing it, she realizes it’s more like a run in a zoo (without cages for the animals). She writes to stay sane on her blog, Outsmarted Mommy, and tweets @OutsmartedMommy.

  LOLA LOLITA (A Pecan Pie Recipe That Will Make Family and Friends Want to Tongue You) is a mother, wife, educator, recent inductee to the parents-of-children-with-cerebral-palsy club, and self-proclaimed wine addict. She lives and works in Detroit with her husband, two-and-a-half sons (number three in the oven), two dogs, and a lifetime of self-esteem issues. Follow along on her blog, Sammiches and Psych Meds, or follow her on Twitter @sampsychmeds.

  ALESSANDRA MACALUSO (The Pregnant Holiday Checklist) is author of The Bitch’s Bridal Bible: The Must-Have, Real-Deal Guide for Brides, and blogger at Punkwife.com. You can find her chasing after her daughter, attempting to not screw up this parenting thing, and on Twitter @punkwife.

  LESLIE MARINELLI (Thanksgiving Etiquette Manifesto) is a writer, wife, mother of three, and Thanksgiving gravy aficionada. She’s the CEO and editor-in-chief of In the Powder Room,
an online women’s humor community, and the editor and co-author of the bestselling women’s humor anthology You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.

  HANNAH MAYER (The Santa Tradition) is a nationally award-winning blogger, humor columnist, and exponentially blessed wife and mother of three. She would trade everything for twelve uninterrupted hours in a room with Jon Hamm and two Ambien. You can find her on her blog, skidmarking.com, or on Twitter @hbombmom.

  JESSICA MAYER (The Big Lie) is the mother of three precocious little girls, all of whom would arguably be better off raising themselves. She has a law degree from Harvard, yet can’t find Syria on a map. Today she works as a straight advocate for LGBT people, but only because she finds them so much cooler than the rest of us.

  AMANDA MUSHRO (Five Ways Kids Will Totally Ruin the Holidays for You) is the writer behind Questionable Choices in Parenting. Sometimes she thinks she is doing a great job as a mom, but then she does something that makes her question her own parenting abilities. Follow her on Twitter @QuestionableCIP.

  JENNIFER WEEDON PALAZZO (Faking It in the Kitchen) is the creator/writer/producer of Mom Cave TV (www.momcavetv.com), an online network of comedy shows for moms, including Slummy Mummy, Double Leche, Blabbermom, and MomCave LIVE. She’s a working actress in New York City (www.jenniferweedon.com) who has appeared in films, commercials, and some very off-off Broadway plays. Follow her on Twitter @MomCaveTV.

  TARJA PARSSINEN (The Holiday Card Photo Session: A Survivor’s Tale) is a San Francisco-based writer and mother of two young boys. Her work has appeared in the Huffington Post, on NPR, and in other various magazines and humor sites. Tarja can be found at her humor site, TheFlyingChalupa.com.